Dominion Feud
by Jamie August
Summary: A 'Family Feud' spoof with members of the Dominion and DS9 as contestants. Probably could've gotten away with a 'G' rating, but didn't want to risk it.


DISCLAIMER: Family Feud and Louie Anderson aren't mine. Neither are Star Trek or the Dominion. They belong to their respective owners (duh). No infringement or disrespect is intended. Blah, blah, blah. Paramount is God. (Good enough?)Oh, I just realized that I've been very mean to some characters that I like. Uh, oh well. Sorry.   
  


ARCHIVING: Ask me first. ALWAYS. Or there will be hell to pay. (And hell don't come cheap!)   
  
  
  
  
  


DOMINION FEUD   
  
  
  
  
  


LOUIE ANDERSON: Welcome to Dominion Feud! Today we have a very special episode for you! Heading up the Deep Space Nine team is Odo. Captain of the Dominion team is, who else, THE Founder! (mutters) geez, why can't she just pick a name? make my job a lot easier... (louder) Anyway! It's going to be a great game! Changeling against Changeling! Founder against Founder!   
  


ODO: I am NOT a founder.   
  


LOUIE: Uh, right. Whatever. Why don't the two of you come up here so we can start the game. Okay, hands on buzzers. We surveyed a hundred Klingons who wear fuzzy pink bunny slippers --   
  


(On Odo's team,) WORF growls: If I were over there, I would kill you where you stand!   
  


LOUIE: ahem, -- and got the top five answers to this question: Name something parents do to punish their children.   
  


ODO rings in first: Send them away from the home planet!   
  


(A buzzer rings)   
  


LOUIE: Oh, I'm sorry, that's not there. Founder? Name something parents do to punish their children.   
  


THE FOUNDER: I heard you the first time. We Founders do not technically HAVE children- -   
  


LOUIE: Three seconds.   
  


FOUNDER: Kill them and replace them with their clones.   
  


(The card flips over- it is the number one answer.)   
  


LOUIE: Wow, tough universe. Is your team going to pass or play?   
  
  
  


FOUNDER: We will play, of course. The Dominion does not turn away from challenges. Why, last month we took a - -   
  


LOUIE: ahem. Yes, well. Why don't you introduce me to your teammates?   
  


FOUNDER: This groveling little weasel is Weyoun. The Cardassian snake next to him is Damar. Those two Jem'Hadar on the end there are Ob'la'de'ob'la'da and Ba'wit'da'ba. The only worthy members of this team, in my opinion.   
  


LOUIE: Uh, okay. Weyoun, name something parents do- -   
  


WEYOUN: Kill them and activate their clones!   
  


LOUIE (hanging his head): That's already up there. Number one answer, remember?   
  


(The first strike buzzer buzzes.)   
  


LOUIE: Alright, Damar.   
  


DAMAR (slurring): Could you repeat the question?   
  


LOUIE (rubbing his forehead): I'm getting a headache. Name something parents do to punish their children.   
  


DAMAR: Uh, what is, take away their kanar, Alex?   
  


LOUIE (sighing): Wrong game show, you idiot. Well, is 'taking away their kanar' up there?   
  


(A card flips over: the number four answer.)   
  


LOUIE: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. Who the hell did we poll, anyway? (sighs again) Fine. Ob'la'de'ob'la'da, name something- -   
  


OB'LA'DE'OB'LA'DA: At the first sign of disobedience they kill them.   
  


LOUIE: But isn't that the same as- - (looks at the producers) No? (mutters) where the hell do we find these people? Okay, is that answer up there?   
  


(The number two answer card flips over.)   
  


LOUIE: Oh, for crying out loud! Well, I'm glad I wasn't YOUR child!   
  


FOUNDER: So are we.   
  


LOUIE: Ba'wit'da'ba, name- -   
  


BA'WIT'DA'BA: I heard you the first five times. Parents stab them in the heart.   
  


LOUIE: Aw, come on. I KNOW that has to be the same as - - Oh, crap. Well, the producers are going to allow it.   
  


(The second strike buzzer rings.)   
  


LOUIE: Well it's about time some sense was shown around here! Okay, Founder, I guess you know the question.   
  


FOUNDER: They assign them to cleaning waste-extraction units.   
  


(The number five card turns over. It reads: 'MAKE THEM DO CHORES')   
  


LOUIE: Ha, ha, close enough. Oh, no. (Sighs) Okay, Weyoun, we're still looking for that number three answer. Name something THAT ISN'T ALREADY ON THE BOARD that parents do to punish their children.   
  


WEYOUN: Um, put them in a stasis field?   
  


LOUIE: Are you asking me or telling me?   
  


WEYOUN: Telling you!   
  


(The number three card flips over. It says, 'GIVE THEM A TIME-OUT')   
  


LOUIE: I think this game is fixed.   
  


FOUNDER: It is. Your producers signed a contract with the Dominion.   
  


LOUIE: Why don't we skip to the last round? Weyoun, Worf, come up here to the podium. Now remember, your team will only have one strike in this round. All right, hands on buzzers. Top three answers. Name something you might do with a knitting needle.   
  


WORF rings in first: Stab someone through the heart with it!   
  


WEYOUN: Hey, he took my answer!   
  


LOUIE: Do I notice a pattern evolving here? My god, you're a violent bunch! Okay, is it on the board?   
  


(Number three answer.)   
  


LOUIE: I need a vacation. Pass or play?   
  


WORF: Play! Klingons do NOT chicken out at the first- -   
  


LOUIE: Okay, okay, I get it already! Holy $#@! what's the matter with you people?! Worf, why don't you introduce us to the rest of your team? Start with the person to your right, since we already met Odo.   
  


WORF: This is Ezri Dax, Quark, and Jake Sisko. (shrugs) That's all I have to say about them.   
  


LOUIE: Okay, well- -   
  


EZRI: That's all you have to say?! I was your WIFE, for crying out loud!   
  


WORF: No, Jadzia was my wife, not YOU.   
  


LOUIE: Could you freaks please FOCUS on the GAME?! Ezri, just name something a person might do with a knitting needle. Please.   
  


EZRI: Well, I know what Curzon would've said... or was that Jadzia...?   
  


LOUIE: God$#@! Mother$#@!@! Ah, I mean, ha, ha. Three seconds.   
  


EZRI: Oh! Um, use it as an ice pick? Especially on Breen, 'cuz I hear it's very cold there.   
  


LOUIE (covers his eyes and shakes his head.): Please let it be there so we can end this $#@!#! game.   
  


(It is. Number two answer.)   
  


LOUIE: Great! Almost there! Quark, name something a person might do with a knitting needle. And keep in mind, this is a family show.   
  


DAMAR (shouting from across the studio): Oh yeah? I never heard the words $#@!@ and $#@! On a FAMILY show before!   
  


LOUIE: Well now you have, you drunken Cardie @$$#@!&! Uh. Quark, name- -   
  


QUARK (points at his ears): HELLO? I heard you, stupid hew-mon. And my answer is, knit. You knit with the $#@!ing knitting needles.   
  


(It's the number one answer.)   
  


LOUIE: Oh, thank god that's over. It's- - WHAT!? (looks at the producers) No, I won't let them play for the ten thousand! NO, NO, NO! They can have it. Okay? Here, take the money. I'm leaving. Call Regis Philbin, maybe he'll host this stupid game, but I'm getting the hell out of here!   
  
  
  


The JEM'HADAR pull out weapons and shoot the DS9 team and LOUIE.   
  


OB'LA'DE'OB'LA'DA and BA'WIT'DA'BA: Victory is life!   
  


The Dominion team take the money and run.   
  


DAMAR (passed out behind the podium): (mutters) what is, THE END, Alex? 


End file.
